Thailand. Meh.

Ok, we are gonna start with a bit of a quiz.  I’ll throw out some phrases and you guess whether I’m describing the country of Thailand or the “actress” Lindsay Lohan.  

Here we go:
Overexploited
Needs serious rehab
Once pretty, now a hot mess
A drunken, drugfest wasteland
Looks good in magazines/brochures, but actually a big ol’ mess

If you answered “both” for all of the above, you are correct.  So, in effect, Thailand is the Lindsay Lohan of Southeast Asia…or perhaps the world, but I haven’t been enough places to say for sure…I’ve heard Syria is a bit of a shit show as well…

Ouch, I know.  Sorry, Thailand.

Now would be a good time for me to make the disclaimer that I never got off the tourist trail, so every slam in here is only directed at the farang hot-spots of Bangkok (aka Kok-Vegas), Koh Tao, Krabi, Phi Phi and Phuket.  I am not intending to slam Thais at all, because I found them to be a happy and warm people.  I realize I’m generalizing to a major extent, but this is just what I saw in the short month I traveled around southern Thailand.  The north is apparently better, but having come from places like Africa and Nepal, my expectations were really high.

Anyway, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to sort of hating on Thailand a bit.  The backpacker and tourist scene is so massive that I really believe it has ruined this country.  Sure, you could probably get out into some remote villages to get a better sense of “authentic” Thailand, but you’d have to go really out of your way to get there.

Tourists are everywhere and Thai people have adapted to them.  Which has its ups and downs, but shouldn’t the tourists be adapting to Thai culture?  What you end up with is a bunch of Westerner enclaves with trendy chain restaurants, “massage” parlors, air-conditioned hotel rooms, 7Elevens and a 9:1 ratio of souvenir hawkers to every tourist.   And then you get the tourists and Thais interacting on such surface-level terms that it’s almost like the two are constantly butting heads and trying to rip each other off.  Thais try to rip tourists off by charging 5x the price of any good/service; tourists rip the Thais off by haggling to the point of insult/degradation all the while straining the local economy and culture.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve obviously passed my prime of backpacking around Thailand.  Most travelers here are university-age kids whose sole purpose is to seek out insane, raging full-moon parties, drug-toting beach boys and remain in a drunken, drugged state for most of their trip, then brag about how bad they blacked out the past 5 nights in a row.  Ridiculous.  Snore.  What’d you learn about the culture? Yep, that’s what I thought.

When I started my trip I remember making a hypothesis that the more touristy a place is, the more abrasive and artificial it becomes.  Everything I’ve seen has confirmed this theory so far, and Thailand is a perfect example.  On the flipside, the fewer tourists and travelers around, the more genuine, warm, welcoming, and curious a place is.  Which, for me, is what I find most appealing about traveling.  Getting as far out of your comfort zone as possible makes for such a more rewarding experience.

Look, tons of people love Thailand.  It does have a lot of natural beauty and some interesting heritage.  Unfortuantely, IMO, this has been smothered by the influx of tourism.  So now you can go to Thailand, ride an abused elephant, pet some drugged tigers and then get wasted on a beach somewhere.  Rad.

I think I will come back one day and get way off the gringo trail.  I did spend a couple nights Couchsurfing on the southern coast so got a quick taste of what a true Thai village is like, and found it to be quite awesome.  I even played a game of badminton with an old Thai man that was super fun.  He spoke zero English but kicked my ass and laughed at me the whole time.  And I loved it.  It was great.  I also randomly inserted myself into an impromptu aerobics session in a parking lot with some menopause-aged Thai ladies.  They all came up to me after the class to ask me where I'm from, chat me up and invite me back to class the next day.  They were so cute and so fun.  So I know there is much more to Thailand than the crusty surface that I scratched.  I just obviously didn’t see much beyond that, which is definitely no one's fault but my own.

But let’s end on some positive notes and send out some good vibes Thailand’s way.

I LOVE that Koh Tao is the cheapest place in the world to get any scuba certification imaginable.  I finally got my advanced open water and saved a few hundred bucks in the process.

I also got to stay at the fanciest resort I’ve ever stayed in my life.  And probably ever will.  I was somehow invited to spend time at the Pritzker family’s ocean-front villa on Phuket.  This place was unreal.  Ten-thousand-dollar-a-night unreal.  Here’s the description as according to the resort’s website: “the villa consists of six separate bedrooms finished with Thai furnishings, art and antiques. Villas enjoy private pools plus living and dining salas. Personal housekeepers and cooks are also on hand. Villas are ideal for small business gatherings, weddings and other special events.”  That, or for a group of freeloaders with the right connections.  Hell yeah.